Shrinking

I never used to call myself a pessimist, but the constant job rejections are taking their toll on me. I'm becoming nothing more than a quivering, self-conscious, unmotivated, and apparently inadequate substitute for a human being. Life is cruel. I just want to run away. I thought God was supposed to provide. But instead I have a husband I hardly see, an apartment we probably can't afford, and dreams of grad school slipping down the drain.

Ah, yep. Here come the tears...

Butterfly

Josh and I started a new class at church where we will be learning more about the Holy Spirit, who is sadly neglected or misunderstood in most Christian circles. We're reading this really good book by Francis Chan called Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit, and I'd like to share an inspiring passage from it:

     Years ago, when a random thought came into my head, I decided to share it with my wife. "Have you ever wondered what caterpillars think about?" I asked.

     Not surprisingly, she said, "No."

     I then proceeded to tell her about the confusion I imagine a caterpillar must experience. For all its caterpillar life, it crawls around a small patch of dirt and up and down a few plants. Then one day it takes a nap. A long nap. And then, what in the world must go through its head when it wakes up to discover it can fly? What happened to its dirty, plump little worm body? What does it think when it sees its tiny new body and gorgeous wings?

     As believers, we ought to experience this same kind of astonishment over becoming a "new creation" with the Spirit living in us. As the caterpillar finds its new ability to fly, we should be thrilled over our Spirit-empowered ability to live differently and faithfully. Isn't this what the Scriptures speak of? Isn't this what we've all been longing for?

Image taken by Dennis MacDonald

It's a Small World After All

A few weeks ago, I watched When Harry Met Sally, and I was greatly intrigued by the fact that Harry and Sally walked past each other, even had a passing conversation with each other, before they actually met and fell in love. Which got me thinking: How many times did I encounter Josh before I met him? What about my other best friends? And then I came across this remarkable video of a husband and wife who discovered they were both at the same place at the same time fourteen years before they ever met. Obviously that peeked my interest. Check it out:



Doesn't it make you want to go through all your photo albums with a magnifying glass? I know that when I'm in a big crowd and I see a camera flash in my direction, I always hope I don't have a stupid look on my face. I don't want to be the laughing point of someone's family photo, after all. But could it be possible that a background shot of me links me to someone else, makes our world fit into a 4x6 frame without our knowledge? Oh, it kills me that I'll never know!

But In Dreams

Revolutionary Road. A heartbreaking and powerful story of a couple who achieved "the American dream" only to discover that it's not all it's made out to be. In a moment of inspiration, they decide to move to Paris, to escape the traps suburbia has set for them and to rediscover themselves. But the world is out to get them and they remain trapped.

I absolutely understand. I'm scared that if I'm not careful, I will slip onto the fast track to the suburban trap, scared that if I wait too long to do something, I will lose my motivation. Which may be why I no longer have a desire to go house shopping. Which may be why I'm so disgusted with the way people judge each other based on their belongings. Which may be why we're thinking of leaving this place, perhaps go to Africa, if only for a little while. I want to (re)discover my purpose, to experience new places, meet new people. But most of all, I want to find a new appreciation for life. I need to know that there are still children who get excited to learn and who respect their elders. I need to know that there are places where family is central and the wisdom of the elders is treasured. I need to be reminded that there is happiness in the world and that it can't be bought with money.

I don't want to settle for the Dream and then force myself to smile.

Love Story

I think this music video pretty much sums up all of my fantasies.

Darwin

As many of you know, my brother's name is Darwin. Having a brother with that name oftentimes causes confusion among my Christian friends. "Did your parents believe in evolution when they named him?" And they sound appalled and slightly intrigued when they ask me. No, they did not, and as my brother would say, "Wouldn't they have named me Charles, then?"

My dad's best friend and barrack-mate in Vietnam was a certain Private Darwin. One afternoon, they were driving their truck back to the base when Darwin shot down two Vietcong snipers in the trees. Their guns had been pointed at my dad. It was just a few weeks before they'd be going home.

Dad has a pretty sizable collection of pictures from his time overseas, and recently, Josh and I started transferring the slides to the computer. In one little box, we found a slide labeled "Darwin." Below is the only picture (that I'm aware of) of this wonderful man. At first I was disappointed that his face was blurred, but the more I looked at it, the more I loved it. I fear that if there was a definite face to this man, it would be hard to imagine him, to see him as a hero and not just a twenty-year-old boy far from home.

Literature Condo

Remember how I had far too many books and no place to keep them? Well, here it is, boys and girls, the new beauty that lives in our bedroom:

My parents helped me pick it up from the store last night. Thankfully, we got it inside before it started raining too hard. Isn't it lovely? Five feet of pure literature. Naturally, I proceeded to spend the rest of the evening organizing, paging through, and reorganizing all my books. And I couldn't believe that by the time I was done, I still had three books without a home! *sigh* Guess I don't have any more excuses to buy more. Until we have a house with a library, that is ;)

Once the books were all smiling at me from their alphabetical (by author) orderliness, I just stood there and stared at them, smiling uncontrollably. I love being able to see all their titles clearly, to be able to pull them out and look at them without a whole pile tumbling down. And I love advertising my literary taste. :) 

I couldn't wait for Josh to get home, because I wanted him to bounce around in excitement with me. But he didn't have the same intensity of emotion. Therefore, I had a dance party with myself.